I'll Love You Forever

As October fades away, there is one more story to share for National Pregnancy Loss month. Physically there are three methods of miscarriage - naturally, a d&c procedure and an ectopic pregnancy which requires surgery.  Interestingly enough, all three of mine were different physically, covering each of these methods. 

After two healthy children and two miscarriages, I became pregnant. Surely this won't happen again was the thought as we cautiously began the pregnancy.  A call for a doctors appointment was put off until after 6 weeks, which was when the other miscarriages had happened.  Sure enough, spotting began and inwardly devastated, put on a non-emotional face as we headed to the doctor.  I'll never forget sitting up with that hardened, protective shell on as the doctor walked in. It was the same gentle doctor from my last miscarriage and he walked in and in the most tender voice said "doggone it, Joyce".  I just melted and let the tears flow. He allowed me the freedom to choose whether to go home and let nature take it's course or do another d&c.  Blood tests determine for certain whether a miscarriage is happening and they had not been taken yet. Since it was not confirmed, I didn't want to do a d&c, so went home. 

Several days passed and physically healing was beginning.  During supper one night, the phone rang.  It was the doctor and he told me the pregnancy hormone in my blood was rising which may mean an ectopic pregnancy. He was going out of town for a week and didn't want to let it go that long, so he quickly scheduled surgery for the next day.  The surgery proved it was an ectopic pregnancy and I spent the night in the hospital recovering in the labor and delivery ward. The sounds of fetal heartbeats and babies crying filled the hallways and pierced my heart.  An empty womb is a sorrowful place.  

Returning home to heal, hope was quickly fading for another child. Preparing myself to accept that, I came to understand a complete dependence on God. There was absolutely nothing I could do to keep a healthy pregnancy, but to trust if He wanted to bless us with another child, that would be the only way it would happen.  Since we were at pregnancy loss number 3, this seemed like a good time to give up on the dream of child #3.  We moved on, focused on the wonderful sons God gave us and gave away every baby item in the house.  If I could make a choice, I would never go through another miscarriage again. A family of 4 we would happily be. 

If you know us personally, you know our story did not end there.  But that is another miracle story to post about soon.  

But these personal stories are shared as this month reminds us miscarriage is a very real heartache that 1 in 4 women face. This has been a time of stretching myself as I'm not used to sharing things so personal. A favorite verse of mine is II Corinthians 1:4  "Blessed is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we may be able to comfort those experiencing any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."  In times of uncomfortable sharing, may this be a blessing to others and point them to the place we received help.  Sharing my story surely brought up some memories I have kept hidden deep in my heart, but also reminders that shattered lives are all around us, if it is in our power to reach out and help, we should do it. 

Underneath all of the pain of loss, there is a mother's deep love for her child. Even if the child was never seen or held that love began the moment of realization that life began in her womb. That love will cover that child forever.